Welcome And The Teenage Brain

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Welcome to Start Younger, the podcast about outgrowing porn, understanding our sexuality, and building healthy recovery practices.

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Porn is reaching boys sooner than ever, which means helping and healing has to start sooner, too. Let's start younger.

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Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, good middle of the night, and however you listen to this, uh, this is the Start Younger podcast. I am Blake Brinkman, joined by my great friends, as always, Drew Boa and Doug Carpenter. And we are excited to continue the conversation of what does this look like to start younger, to outgrow porn and begin recovery at any age? And today we will be touching on the topic of what is really happening in the brain of anywhere from eight to ten years old on through our teenage years in the context of uh recovery, addiction, et cetera, which is actually a huge deal because there's so many important elements that especially teenagers often aren't educated on. And when teens aren't educated on, they have to make their own assumptions on why this is happening. For example, for me, when I didn't know how my brain was working in all these elements, my assumption, my conclusion I made was, well, I must be watching porn because there's something wrong with me, or I'm just a bad guy. And in reality, there was a lot of brain elements going on that just made my story make a lot more sense. And so to start it off with just an overview, we're going to talk about a lot of these in more detail.

A Simple Four-Part Brain Model

SPEAKER_00 1:55

This is an oversimplification of the brain, but it's often helpful for our teens out there and for you parents to talk with your teens with this language of we have uh a bottom top, a left, and a right brain. And so I often start with the bottom because that is where kind of the key safety mechanisms of the brain go on. The the amygdala, the the fight-flight uh response, the fawn and freeze response of how do we respond to danger, to uncomfortability, to intense things. And oftentimes we get some emotions in there too, right? Then we have our right more nonverbal brain, or I should probably start with the left. The left is the linear, logical, logistics part of the brain. A plus B equals C, sees things very in line. And the right's kind of its opposite brother-sister, right? Of the emotions, the nonverbal communication, the picking up on the cues and things that are going on in the system around it. And then all the way to the top, that I like to call our uh decision-making uh brain of, and this is what's so key for teens is that part of our brain won't be fully developed until we're 25, 26. And so this is the part of our brain that is really growing and developing, where many parts, the other three, are a lot more fully developed at this age in a teenager's journey. And so we're gonna be talking about that a lot and how it involves in recovery. And so, fellas, where would y'all jump into that?

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I would like to say why this is one of the most important topics in outgrowing porn. Because the largest, most powerful sexual organ in your body is not below your belt, it is between your ears.

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Absolutely.

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It all starts in the brain.

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It

Safety Responses And Porn As Escape

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is the control center for the rest of the body.

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I love that. And I talk about this a lot with teens of, and this is key for parents too, of often what I see is an overfocus on the top part of the brain of well, they just need to make the right decision. Or for the teen, I just need to make the right decision. And at this stage, that part of the brain really comes last. I always like to teach it kind of in a hierarchy of the first thing we want to do is create a sense of safety, which kind of regulates that bottom part of the brain. The the fight, flight, freeze, and fawn means uh kind of being codependent.

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The fawn response is pleasing and appeasing, bending over backwards, just compliant submission to try to help the other person like me or not dislike me.

SPEAKER_00 5:01

Accept me. Exactly. And so those responses, right, are all the things we often are uh our brain almost teaches us to do to try and regain safety to our system. But as you've probably seen, a lot of those can lead to chaos in our lives. And a lot of those are often our lead to pornography, because pornography becomes my place of flight. Pornography can become my place of freeze. I dissociate from everything that's going on in the world. Pornography can be my place of fawning, of the pleas and appeas, of I get to see that or feel that on the screen. It can even be my place of fight.

SPEAKER_02 5:46

I'm seeing this more and more. Sometimes porn is the only place that a seemingly successful, spiritual, impressive boy or man can be unimpressive and imperfect and something more than the good Christian boy.

SPEAKER_00 6:08

Right. Absolutely. And so our our bottom brain is desperate to be soothed in some way, shape, or form, to feel safe. And before we find a way to do that, it's gonna be really hard to what's called integrate or connect with the other parts of our brain to make those kind of unified, well-educated, well-thought-out decisions. And so safety comes first of how do I create a sense of safety within my brain that I am okay and I'm going to find

Right Brain Emotions And Fantasy

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my way through this. After that, we get to the right, the emotional brain of that kind of is often very connected with our bottom part of our brain because it is scanning the environment constantly for am I seeing any cues, any potential risk signs, anything that might tell my bottom brain that we're in danger and we need to find a way to protect ourselves. And what often happens is these parts of our brain become almost hyper-vigilant, of their basically on hyperdrive all the time. And so they start to learn, maybe from childhood, maybe from experiences with mom and dad, maybe with bullies or friends, they start to learn certain words, certain facial cues, certain nonverbal responses that, oh, when this happens, I'm about to be rejected. When this happens, I'm about to be made fun of or ridiculed in some way, shape, or form. And so I start my flight or flight fawn freeze response early to try and medicate and escape that pain.

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And the right brain also has everything you need to fantasize and to escape that pain sexually, because the right brain is also the imagination.

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It's a center for creativity and emotion. And so you take that creativity, that emotion, easily is able to turn it into fantasy.

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And that's why we talked about last episode. One of the most important things we can do in recovery, and especially it's starting younger, is start to experience emotions in healthy ways. That's one of the best ways to soothe and connect with our right brain, is having the freedom to experience and express emotions, especially in community, in safe community, where I can start to read safe nonverbal cues of, oh wow, this person receives me like this. This is what their face looks like. They smile at me, they listen to me, even when I'm expressing really uncomfortable, intense emotions.

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And the vast amount of information that we take in from the world is through our eyes. Some researchers say that 90% of the information that our brain takes in to process is from our visual field. Well, when we go to porn, that's also creating a very strong visual field of something that's going to speak to our emotion.

SPEAKER_00 9:27

So true. Sometimes in porn there's not a lot of words said, and yet it appears to be communicating so much because of all the nonverbal messaging going on.

SPEAKER_02 9:40

Yes. When I first heard Blake teach this idea that there are these four regions of the brain, bottom and top, right and left, he had this really helpful visual where this is not like a pie with four equal sized pieces. The bottom brain and the right brain are way bigger. And the top brain and the left brain are way smaller proportionally, especially for younger brains.

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Well, we have to understand the natural development on a neuropsychological level that we're from age six to twelve, we're in this latency period where the goal of your brain is to learn how to do things, how to manipulate things, how to survive within your environment. When you reach a certain age, like 10, 11, 12, your brain starts wiring to be more relational and how to connect with other people. And then it's not till later that all that becomes cognitive reasoning driven, that you learn to make better decisions. So we have to understand the progress of development through each one of those ages and years and how we develop into a person.

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So, Blake, when we realize that younger brains are heavily weighted toward the bottom brain, concerned with safety, and the right brain, always scanning and feeling things deeply, how does that affect

When Rules-First Teaching Creates Shame

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our approach?

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Such a great question. What that can do is it creates a lot of shame for our teenagers out there. For example, the left brain, the logical, literal understanding, starts to say things like, especially from a scriptural, spiritual background, right? Of, well, uh God talks about not lusting, right? Or not uh engaging in any form of adultery or pornography, uh pornea, as it's said in the Bible, right? So it's like I have a logical, literal understanding of the right and wrong here. And then we go to the top brain that says, oh, I shouldn't do that, right? I I should make a decision not to. And most of our educational, even church systems out there push these two ideas of if you simply know what's right or wrong, then you will be able to choose what's right or wrong from there. And when teenagers struggle with that in addiction, that's where the shame starts to creep in. This was so true of me and my journey. I was a Christian, I knew watching porn wasn't what I was called to or really what I wanted. And yet I couldn't stop. And when I went to my spiritual communities, most of the advice was, well, just read your Bible and pray more. Understand and make the right decision. When that didn't work, I thought I was the worst Christian in the entire world. I thought there's something wrong with me. Other Christians just figure this out. And so the key when we start to understand the truth about this brain is we really need to emphasize the bottom and the right brain. And so that starts with that safety and those emotions, right? Which you've probably heard us talk about in our past episodes. Safety and emotions are the key building blocks of start younger recovery. And so to start with the safety of whenever I feel these things coming up, of I am safe in who I am. I am safe as a created beloved child of God. I am safe with around my family, my friends, the people who truly know me and give me the safe place to feel whatever it is I'm going through. Then to the right brain of there's there's probably some emotions going on here that need to be felt, need to be processed, that name it to tame it, the feel it to heal it. And we probably need 80% more time there and maybe 10 on the other two. And we often get that so backwards.

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Yes. And that's one thing that concerns me about education focuses so much on left brain activity and how to develop that. I'm teaching you in the third grade how to analyze the structure of a sentence to have a verb and a noun, but I'm not teaching you anything about how to regulate the emotions of your right brain when that is much bigger than what's the left brain right now. We have an imbalance of teaching in our systems to help a person grow, grow into a whole person of how do we develop your right brain and how do we develop your left brain simultaneously? But education is focused on the left brain.

SPEAKER_02 14:56

Yes. Imagine with me what that younger brain looks like with the bottom part and the right part very developed, the top part and the left part much smaller. Compare that to the typical approach to recovery of like understand what's right, learn more about who God is and the gospel and scripture, and and then make the right decision, that whole approach versus what porn is offering. It's not primarily appealing to the logical, rational parts of us. And so our approach to recovery needs to reflect the reality of our brains because porn is reflecting it. Yes. So recovery needs to reflect it too.

SPEAKER_00 15:57

Oh, you're you're making so much sense. Our educational systems, whether it's education, church, etc., often treat the teenage brain like it's something that it's not, right? And it we're not gonna get the results we long for as long as that's true. We need to meet our teenage brains where it is at. And like you said, Drew, that's what porn is so willing to do. And that's part of the difficulty of it, of it seems to meet me right where I'm at. That that's attractive. That's it almost feels attuning in a way. I want to say fight fire with fire, but that's not a perfect analogy in this. But we need to meet teenage brains where they're at, right? With the safety and emotion needed.

SPEAKER_02 16:46

Yeah. Meet emotion with emotion.

SPEAKER_01 16:49

Well, I want to put in a plug for the podcast that we did on emotion, because that is helping you develop that right side of your brain, to learn to listen to it, to recognize it, attune to it, know it, how it's coming up for you, how it's affecting you, and then how it's driving the rest of these processes in addiction or in recovery.

SPEAKER_00 17:10

Yeah, and to remember with this, right, of the reason we talk about a lot of these things is to take away the shame of why am I struggling with pornography? Why am I addicted to this? Is a question teens ask a lot. And our brains are wiring to it. A lot of this is simply brain chemistry. It's how it works. And without the appropriate systems to maintain healthy safety, uh, especially relational safety, without the systems to build healthy emotional regulation, our brains will attach to something it perceives as safe or perceives as can handle my emotions. And the more our brain wires to that, that process becomes ultra efficient. It almost becomes autopilot-ish of how fast it fires. And so it just makes sense that this is really addictive and really challenging. And it's a part of our brain, it's not something inherently wrong with us.

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And we have to realize the research also shows us that our brain, in its developing form, if we start an addictive behavior before the age of 18, that is such fallow ground for addictive processes to develop. And you're more than likely, because your

Supernormal Stimuli Dopamine And Tolerance

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brain wires like that, to have a lifelong struggle with it. So the young brain is so sensitive to these addictive type processes.

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And really, any human brain, but especially a young brain, is not designed to handle the supernormal stimulation of porn. If you're interested in this concept of supernormal stimuli, go down to the link in the show notes where you can learn more. But basically, there was a scientist named Nico Tinbergen who did a lot of experiments with animals. For example, he created cardboard butterflies that had more colorful markings than a natural butterfly. And the natural butterfly, when they saw the cardboard butterfly, they went crazy over it and they would prefer it to a real butterfly. So he defined these cardboard butterflies as an example of supernormal stimuli, which means an artificial, exaggerated signal that elicits a stronger instinctive response. And that is what porn does to human beings.

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If you eat an apple, apples are sweet within themselves, right? They're juicy, they're sweet. But what do what have we done to the apple as a human being? We've peeled it, cut it up, covered it in two cups of sugar, stirred it up to where it becomes syrupy, then we put it in this buttery um crust and we turn it into apple pie. So if I offer you an apple or a piece of apple pie, which are you gonna take? You're gonna say, give me the apple pie and throw on a scoop of ice cream on top of it. That's a super, super stimuli right there. We do this naturally, just like Drew said earlier, with foods, and this is what porn does. It takes sexuality and enhances it into entertainment and with intensity to where it becomes a super stimuli.

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And so that's going to flood the brain, even for an adult. But for a child, I once heard Doug say, it's like trying to swallow a Thanksgiving turkey in one bite. That is going to do damage. You're gonna need to heal from that. And anyone who has encountered porn as a child or even as a teen has a brain that has been really tragically impacted.

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And y'all say this a lot of it's not your fault, right? Even in a decision to seek out porn or some type of supernormal stimulus from curiosity, kids and teens are meant to be protected from these types of supernormal stimulus. And the reality is, is we're just not in this world. And so this is not your fault. And that's why we're having these conversations of what does it look like for me to start this healing process younger? The vast majority of us are in or going to be in at some point. And so celebrate and take courage in the fact that I'm starting this now. I'm I'm starting to work through these things, have these conversations now. And uh another important Element that I always think about in this is when we start looking at supernormal stimulus and it floods our brain, it floods our dopamine sensors, that sense of I feel good, I feel a sense of escaping the uncomfortable feelings or experiences in my life. Eventually those sensors get kind of fried and they they get used to that. We call that desensitization. And tolerance. Intolerance, right? Get used to it. And so now the brain subconsciously starts to communicate, we need more or we need a more intense version. Right. And so that's where we start looking up things we never thought we might look up. We our curiosity draws us to corners we never even knew about, or we start masturbating or watching at a frequency we're not used to, at a at a greater frequency than we might have felt comfortable with early on. And we can have some shame about that of, oh my gosh, what am I doing? How did I wind up here? But to remember, this is what happens to the brain and supernormal stimulus. It is not your fault.

SPEAKER_01 23:12

Well, and it happens at all ages. I mean, the whole concept of advertisement, advertising and marketing is based on this concept, right? Not only do we show you the car in an ad, we put a beautiful girl standing next to the car. The whole concept of advertising is creating these supernormal stimuli that play into your brain and your desires, no matter what age you are. So it's a lot of manipulation that's being thrown at us.

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It's manipulation and exploitation of children by the $100 billion industry we call porn. Porn. So porn is not what's wrong with you, porn is what happened to you.

SPEAKER_01 23:56

Yes.

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And there is hope, there is healing available. Our brains can change. Amen. But

Healing Through Connection And Validation

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we have to be realistic about where we're starting from.

SPEAKER_00 24:09

Absolutely. And so now let's take a little bit of time and talk about what does this start to look like practically as we heal our brains from the supernormal stimulus, even as a teenager or as a parent helping teenagers. And so we start, right, once again, at that bottom brain, the safety survival part of our brain. And what does it look like to really soothe that and to make it feel safe and feel connected to? And a big part of that is, we'll keep coming back to it, the the validation and the normalization of, hey, where you're at makes sense. And I'm here with you in it. Uh, you are not alone in this. This is not your fault. This is something that's happened to you. Right? You you are beloved, you are good, you are valuable.

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And many of us don't experience that until we get in a group where we can really feel felt.

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True connection. The rewiring of our brain, we can do it alone, but man, it it was clearly designed to be done relationally. Yes. I can tell myself I'm loved all day long. It's gonna work differently in my brain when I express in vulnerability to Drew and Doug, like I'm just really struggling with feeling love today. And they get to authentically affirm their love for me. Uh that just happened in between in between uh some of our calls, and it hits a different place than it does when I'm trying to promote it myself. That's still good, that's still valuable, but when we can find those communities and those groups that help us with that, the brain starts to soar because God has designed us to be relationally connected.

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What a beautiful image. The brain starts to soar. Maybe that bottom brain starts to feel safe enough to come out.

SPEAKER_00 26:12

It does, man. And when it starts to feel safe enough, right now we start to feel safe with our emotions, right? We start to uh recalibrate the different things we're seeing out there. Maybe everything isn't a risk to who I am and my self-worth, my value, all of those things. I start to feel more confident in who I am and who God's created me to be. And let me reiterate, this is a very slow process. We we are all still working on these things in some degree. And so the whole idea around this is the integration of all these parts of the brain, to bring them all together towards the middle. And so now we can take in the parts that's like, okay, what does God say about this? What where is scripture helpful to remind me of his love and value? And I would reiterate more so than the do's and don'ts. Uh, find verses in scripture and logic that points to, oh, I'm safe with God. I'm beloved by him, I'm his valuable son and daughter, uh, no matter where I find myself in my journey. And all of these things then integrate to that top part of the brain of now I'm

Identity Truths Growth Mindset Closing

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making more integrated decisions in the full truth of who I am.

SPEAKER_02 27:29

Absolutely. Yes, 100%. When I was 18 and 19 years old, one of the most helpful things that helped me gain traction toward freedom from porn was having a long list of identity statements with verses of scripture to back it up that I kept above my bed. And I would read them every night, and they would tell me, I am redeemed, I am loved, I am chosen, I am united with Christ, I have the Holy Spirit within me. I am born of God, and the evil one cannot touch me. I have been given God's grace lavishly and without restriction. I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-control. All these verses and more would speak to my emotions. It was the integration of the right and the left together because this was a form of scripture I could emotionally connect with. And doing that consistently every night was helping to integrate, and it was helping with neuroplasticity, and it was also breaking my shame. And we want everyone listening to this to become shame breakers. And part of the way we do that is find ways to not just think about the truth, but experience it emotionally.

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Even in my 50s, I keep a list like what you just described in my phone. So when I'm personally struggling, I can pull that out and read it to myself to just remind myself and ground myself in who I really am.

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And all those identity statements are not saying, oh, I shouldn't be sad or I shouldn't be struggling. They're saying, hey, even while I'm struggling, this is the truth of who I really am. And if you want to get a copy of that list, go down to the link in the show notes and you can have it and print it out or put it on your phone.

SPEAKER_00 29:31

To follow up on that, that top part of the brain, right? That's still heavily developing. Probably gonna have 10 plus years that it's still developing, depending on what age you are, till we're 25, 26. It just makes sense that there's gonna be a lot of learning, right? And learning does not look like I get it right every single time, right? So learning requires sometimes I fail, sometimes I misstep, sometimes I struggle. And what can I learn from this? What can I be curious about? What can I bring into the other parts of my brain that might help me with these decisions in the future? And if you hear my tone, right, that it's so different from the shaming, condemning tone we often place with our top brain. Why didn't you do that? You should have done that. How dare you, right? We want to cultivate instead this kind curiosity of, okay, I may have had a misstep there. What can I learn from that? I bet there's something there really meaningful, really valuable, really important. How can that help me in my journey to keep learning how to make these decisions from an integrated place?

SPEAKER_02 30:52

That's a great example of a growth mindset rather than a fixed mindset. You can learn more about that from the work of Dr. Carol Dweck. But a fixed mindset says, well, I'm either good at this or I'm not good at this. A growth mindset says, I'm learning to do this. And that's what we want you to have. That's what the outgrow porn approach is about. Setting shame aside so that we can grow, learn, become mature, and outgrow porn at any age.

SPEAKER_01 31:28

At any age. At any age.