Welcome To Start Younger

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Welcome to Start Younger, the podcast about outgrowing porn, understanding our sexuality, and building healthy recovery practices.

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Porn is reaching boys sooner than ever, which means helping and healing has to start sooner, too. Let's start younger.

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Welcome to the very first episode of the Start Younger Podcast, sponsored by Husband Material Ministries, where we help men outgrow porn. And this podcast is specifically helping boys, young men, and their father figures start healing, getting free younger. I'm here with my co-hosts, Blake Brinkman and Doug Carpenter. Here we go, guys. Hello.

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Let's do it. Excited.

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We're gonna start by telling you a little bit about who we are and then answering the question why start younger? My

Meet The Hosts And The Mission

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name is Drew Boa. I am the author of Outgrow Porn, Find Lasting Freedom Without Fighting an Exhausting Battle, and the founder of Husband Material Ministries, where we realized that porn is reaching boys at younger and younger ages. And healing should too. That's why I'm here.

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I'm Doug Carpenter. Uh I've been a licensed psychologist since 1998, so almost 30 years. So that makes me the old man in the group, which is I'm okay with. I have a master's degree specialized in addiction and then a doctorate degree in clinical psychology. I've authored two books. One, the first one was Childhood Trauma and the Non-Alpha Male, and the second one is Secret Shame, which explores a survivor's guide to understanding male sexual abuse and sexual development. I'm on the board of Husband Material and I'm the clinical advisor for husband material. And I just so believe in our cause after you know 28 years of practicing and seeing what pornography and sexual addiction has done to the lives of boys and men. So I fully believe in this cause.

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And you have raised a boy into a man.

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I have a very successful young man, which I'm very proud of. I always say if I did one thing right in life, it was I think I raised my children well. So I'm pretty proud of the people that they have become. So by God's grace, I think I did a decent job.

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I love that, Doug. And I am Blake Brinkman. I come from a history of being a youth pastor, and that really led me into seeing just the massive impacts addiction porn had first off on my life, but then on all of the teenagers that uh I was walking through life with, which eventually led to me uh launching and founding redefined student recovery, where we seek to empower this journey of essentially this idea of starting younger, of how do we get true recovery principles and tools into the hands and minds of teenagers so that they don't have to wait 10 years to really start engaging their story and their addiction and their struggle with a complete lack of shame and the freedom of vulnerability and God's grace to see all that teenagers can do in this journey. And so pumped to be here with these two guys, uh, some special people, and uh what an exciting thing that we get to talk about. Amen.

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Blake works directly with teens, and he is a professional counselor. Didn't you just get your degree?

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I did, I did, got my master's in counseling. They have a long name for it, uh clinical mental health counseling, right? So I I work as a pre-licensed counselor here in New York. I do uh coaching for teens, families across the nation for this exact topic of, hey, my teenager has been struggling, or sometimes it's teens are the ones asking for help of, hey, I'm noticing this addiction struggle and I don't want it, but I don't know what to do with that. And so that's the field that I love to work in more than anything else. Of for a long time, the wisdom's been, hey, wait till you're 18, and we've got some great intensives and programs for you. Um, but as we all know, these struggles start around age nine, 10, 11, even before. And so, like we're gonna talk about recovery and healing should too.

First Exposure Stories And The Core Idea

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Men and women don't get hooked on porn for the most part. Boys and girls do. I mean, how old were you when you first encountered pornography?

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Man, for me, I was actually one of the later ones. I was uh 15, 16, and still it had dramatic impacts on my life from that from that day forward.

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How about for you, Doug? Um, probably around eight, uh, me and my neighbor discovered his dad's stash in the basement. And then that was just very short-lived. But then when I was 11, um, I started going to a friend's house where there was tons of pornography and definitely involved a lot around my sexual abuse where I was exposed to a lot of pornography.

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I was 13, and I'm convinced that when I experience the sexual urge to watch porn or act out in some other way, it's that 13-year-old boy showing up. It's not the mature adult, logical, rational me, it's a much younger part of me, which is why at Husband Material we say heal the boy to free the man. But what if we could do that not just within ourselves, but actually start healing and recovery when we're boys?

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Well, and and healing is a part of growth. It's not abstinence, it's not jumping into recovery, it's not cutting something off. And that's why in husband material we talk about this is a process of growth and maturity. We grow into sexually healthy, developed adult men, and we don't function out of that little child part of us that's hurt and wounded, or was the origin of our pornography.

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It seems like there are lots of reasons why people don't start younger.

Why Teens Can Do Real Recovery

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Like, what are the most common reasons you hear that are objections to student recovery?

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I love this question. Talk about this one a lot. The the three I've boiled it down to that is the typical response is they're too young, they're too immature, or they're too unwilling to start and do the heavier big work of recovery. And we we've just proven it untrue. I can't tell you at this point, we're at hundreds and hundreds of teens who have come forward on their own, not not even parents saying, Hey, here's my kid, they've got something going on, you need to work with them. Teenagers themselves coming to their parents or coming to someone like me and saying, Hey, I I I'm noticing an issue here that I can't seem to stop or control and I want help. And then for a long time we thought, well, maybe we really need to water down the process and the things we talk about for, and these teenagers are so smart, so wise. The the things they say in sessions and groups would just blow your socks off. And so they they have everything they need for to start this journey right now. Really, all they need is someone to start the conversation and someone that believes in them, that they can do this work and sees the value of it and wants to empower that process for them.

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Just to piggyback on what you said, Blake. I have heard from parents before, well, I don't want to dig around in this with my kids because I'm afraid I'll expose him to more. And he's al he's only on the verge of this. And if I talk to him more about this or we start having these conversations, it's going to push him further into the behavior, which I think is a real tragedy because they're way further in it than you realize at this point because the internet is so explosive with exposure to all types of information. You know, it's important that you address this when it's discovered in a healthy way and not hold some of these concerns.

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I've been searching for this research for a long time. I can't remember where I read it or found it, but someone did some research on this idea of if I talk to my kids about sexuality or pornography or some part of my shame, it'll lead them to do the same and make the same mistakes I did. And the research basically said that's completely untrue. It's actually the opposite. The more vulnerable and connected and attuned we are in talking about our experiences and our mistakes in a very healthy and mature and regulated way, it actually helps our kids in this journey. And I think that's so true in this that the more conversations we have, the better. And that's what we want to do here is inspire that.

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Right.

How Parents Start The Talk Early

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And that's one thing I think in my quest to be a good father that I did right was that I started these conversations extremely young with him. Like I kept everything very open. We talked about our bodies, how they change, what happens to them. Like I was extremely open with my son. We I developed the kind of relationship with him that he could walk in the room and basically ask me anything, and I would give him a truthful answer. I mean, some of the stuff he said to me throughout the years, I've just been shocked that he was willing to come and tell his dad about. You know, so many parents come to me and say, Well, how do I start this conversation? Well, the correct way is you start it from the very beginning, just from a very young age.

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With age-appropriate language.

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Absolutely. When my kid would go have a sleepover at somebody's house, I would say, Okay, here's how sleepovers work. Sometimes sleepovers go, you know, off the rails, and you want to look at things you shouldn't look at. And, you know, and I just tried to prep him. And if anything tries anybody tries to touch you, you come and tell me you're not going to be in trouble. I'm your dad. I'm here for you. You know, I'm here to be your hero. You know, and you just started these conversations at a very, very young age. So you build a strong foundation. And that's definitely what has to happen in this area of pornography because exposure just becomes keeps becoming younger and younger and younger for these young people.

Shame, Growth, And Identity

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So while I wish that a podcast for teen boys and young men would primarily be preventative, this is primarily responsive. This is primarily acknowledging that you've probably already seen porn by that age. And if you are a teen or a young adult listening to this, you are so brave. Come on. You are so ready for this. Yes. You're never too young to start recovery. And you're never too old. It's never too late.

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And we also do want to offer for the fathers that are out there, the young fathers of new children, of how to start this journey and to set yourself and your child up for success and having open dialogue. So we're gonna talk preventative strategies and we're gonna talk reactive strategies.

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I love that. And just to hammer down what you're saying, Drew, of and any teen that's here, anyone that's here really, of this idea you are not abnormal, you are not too far gone in any regard, you are brave and courageous for showing up here. And I I say this to every teenager I work with: your story makes sense. Yes. And it makes sense how you got here. And we're we're three guys up here that are shouting that from the rooftops of uh we we hold no shame over you for where you are at in your journey. And we're just excited that you're here and excited that you're taking those first steps. What a what an exciting place to be.

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You can change your brain, you can heal your heart, you can save your romantic relationships even before they start. And if you are a parent or you have the role of a guide in a young person's life, thank you, thank you, thank you for caring about this and for being open to learn. So each episode is going to have a key topic related to freedom from porn, and then some ideas about how to start this conversation with a teen boy or a young man. And then on the flip side, if you are a teen boy or a young man, how to bring this up with somebody who is supporting you.

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And how to manage your own internal sense of shame about all this, because that is the number one thing that's gonna prevent you from outgrowing this, approaching anyone, getting help for yourself is that sense of shame. And we want to help dispel that sense of shame and normalize what you're feeling. We're gonna be shamebreakers. We are the shame breakers. Shame breakers. I like that. Let's make t-shirts. Yes, that should be our theme shirt.

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You know what? Change the podcast name right now. It's shamebreakers. It is true though. Shame is the most intense, the most motivating factor underneath all of our struggles and addictions. And so that is where we focus on the most of where did that shame come from and how do we rewire, rewrite that in more in the context of what's true. And when we live in truth, there's freedom. And freedom is a growth process, right? It's not just this threshold of, oh, now I'm in truth and everything's good. We we get to grow in truth every single day.

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Part of the reason we use that language of growth is because it's anti-shaming. It's a growth mindset rather than a fixed mindset. So a fixed mindset is to say, either I'm good at this or I'm bad at this. Either I'm sexually pure or I'm sexually impure. Either I'm a complete victory or I'm a total failure.

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And it's not binary. This is on a continuum. And we at any point in time we can fall anywhere on the continuum. That's right.

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And I I can't tell you every single teen I work with, I don't think I'm exaggerating this, comes in with some idea of my identity, my worth, and value is tied to quote unquote beating this struggle, right? Of let me remove myself from it. And that's one of the things we focus on the most is hey, we're just growing through this. And we're growing far more than just sobriety. We're growing the fullness and the truth of who you are as God's beloved child, as someone who's loved and valuable. And so the this idea is so radical to them growing up in this performance style culture of I need to do this in order to get that. No, you already are. And we get to grow and learn as we walk this process together.

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Well, I think this component of shame is so important because, and I'm sure that we'll probably it mention this probably every podcast and have a podcast about it, but you know, shame tells you I did something wrong. Actually, that's a sense of guilt. Shame becomes I did something wrong because I'm bad. There's something wrong with me. And that's not the process. Sometimes it's just your own natural curiosity that takes you to places. It can just take you the wrong places. And we want to help you recognize that and grow and progress in a healthy way to be able to manage some of the natural tendencies of life.

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Porn is not what's wrong with you. Porn is what happened to you. Right. It's not who you are. You are God's beloved.

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To jump on that, Drew does an excellent job of describing

Porn Exposure As Abuse And Healing

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this in his book, but this idea that any exposure to porn at the ages that we get exposed is a a form of abuse, really. Of our our brains are not ready to handle that type of material and we are not protected from it in the ways we should be, right? Think of all the laws and parameters and safeguards around things like alcohol and driving. Um, you could even throw voting in there, right? It's we we put safeguards and age limits in place, and yet the protection that exists around porn and hypersexualized material has been unbelievably lacking. And so even if you found your way there by curiosity or some element of choice, it is still not your responsibility. You are the victim in this sense of porn is something that's happened to you. You are not the badness, the problem.

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Being exposed to porn is a form of sexual abuse. Exactly. It is being sexually abused. Your mind is being exposed to information that it is not yet ready to process.

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And yet that is now the situation your brain is in. Yes. Right. And so that's why we're here to start younger. Let's get into the process of hey, that has happened to all of us. That's happened to our brains. And now how do we unwire and dispel the shame and live in the truth and freedom and peace of who we truly are? And that that's possible even in the midst of porn, which I know sounds crazy to many teenagers, but you are already fully loved and fully valuable even in the midst of your struggle. That's right.

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Amen. And on this podcast, we are going to walk with you every step of the way as much as we can. That's right. From shame to grace, from despair to hope, from isolation to connection, from wherever you are right now, closer to where you were created to be.

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And recognize we've walked this journey too. Oh goodness, yes. And we're where we're at today, because we pushed ourselves to grow through that process.

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And I imagine all of us felt the despair of being somewhere young in our journey and wondering, I don't know what to do or where to go. And so, if nothing else, for you to have this space of I may not have a lot of options, I may not have a ton of support, but I can at least go here and know that I'm not alone.

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Well, I think so many fall into the trap and the lie of I have nowhere to go. I have no one to go to about this. Because that shame keeps it a secret.

What You Can Do Next

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After listening to this episode, your next step, if you want to take this adventure with us, is to go down to the description, the show notes, and we have a link there that you can use to ask us any question, even anonymously, for us to answer on a future episode of Star Younger. We will read every question. You may even have your question answered on a recorded episode later on. You can also find more information about husband material for men, and we are in the process of creating resources and opportunities for boys as well. You can find a link to my book, Outgrow Porn. You can find a link to Blake's ministry where you can work directly with him, as well as links to Doug's books, because childhood trauma and sexual abuse is really at the core of what keeps us trapped in porn. And we'll explain more about why later on. In the next episode, we will be going first in telling our stories because what I have seen over and over is that in order to feel safe enough to open up about my sexual struggles and the secrets I've never told anyone, I need to hear someone else go first. Yes. Agreed. Need someone else to share to give me permission and a sense of safety that maybe I can be that real and that honest.

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As one of the areas that I see with teens, that is often the hardest of just at a macro level, is we often expect teens to go first. Of well, if you have struggles, just tell me. Just let me know about it. And that's just not how it works, exactly like Drew's saying. We need to feel safe, like someone else has gone before us, that they have shared their story with a vulnerability and authenticity that makes me start to ponder maybe I can share mine too. And so going first is the necessity of leadership, of parenting. Doug was talking about this, right? Of I have to go first if my kids are gonna feel safe enough to talk about this. And so going first is so, so key.

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So go down to the show notes, you can ask any question and listen to the next episode where we will go first so that you can feel safe enough to go second. And as we're just getting this started, if you know a teen or a young adult who could start this journey younger, please share this podcast with them. And if you are a teen or a young adult and there's a safe adult in your life who might be willing to connect with you and support you in this, share this podcast with them. Thank you for listening and taking the risk to try something new with us. Here we go. It's time to outgrow porn at any age. At any age. At any age.